Panik disorder: A true story

I'm Arin. Russel asked me to write my story, so here it is... Well... Some of it anyway.
I was born and raised in a small country town. My family was a model happy family living in a model happy community where everything was lovely almost all of the time. Really! It's true!
While I was a happy child, I was also a nervous one. My mom says even as a brand new baby I would fret. I used to get very nervous over things like piano recitals, plays, dance reviews etc. I would literally get sick to my stomach and beg my mom not to make me perform. She never forced me, but she had a way of encouraging me so that I always ended up going on with it, in spite of the fear and cramps, and feeling better for having done so when it was over. Dad was (and is) nothing but supportive as well.


In spite of my ideal upbringing, I eventually fell in with a less than model group of friends in college. I began experimenting with marijuana and eventually started using cocaine, LSD, and other fairly hard drugs.


By the age of 24, I was starting to have some serious problems. I was failing in grad. school. I was having problems with relationships. I felt very guilty about the way I was living my life. It was a very stressful time.


One night at a party I took LSD. I'd done this many times before, but for some reason, this particular night it affected me differently. I got very scared and started crying and screaming. I couldn't get a grip. I just desperately wished I could get over it. I swore that night I'd never do hard drugs again.


The very next day I experienced my first panic attack. I felt breathless and started to get dizzy. My first thought was that the drugs had done something to me. It got very intense then went away. It was a couple of weeks before I had another attack.


Eventually the attacks began to happen quite often. Doctors told me I was fine, just hyperventilating and probably having panic attacks. I was convinced it was related to my drug use and I eventually quit everything. I became afraid to take prescription drugs or even aspirin.
This went on for about three years. I was lucky, I guess. I was always nervous about the next attack, and I worried when I went into stores and stuff, but I never actually avoided anything. It was a constant bother but it didn't really interfere with my life outside of the discomfort of it.
I met Howard through his sister in law. I had known his wife's little sister for years and the topic of my PAD came up in a conversation. She told me Howard had the same thing for many years and got over it. I was quite surprised to hear he had it. I never really knew him, but he just didn't seem the type. He rode motorcycles and hung out with a scary crowd. My friends weren't model citizens, but his were downright scary! I don't know where he found that picture he has with his story! I know it's him, but I've never seen him look like that. I'm going to make him put a better one on there one day! Anyway, at that time he wasn't involved with promoting or doing therapy or anything like that. I got up my nerve and talked to him and he gave me a book which contained the program he eventually based this online program on. I couldn't stand to just read the book and so I bothered him constantly about why this and why that and how did you this and how did you that. I was amazed at how friendly and helpful he was. It took me a while. A lot longer than 15 weeks to be honest, but I finally got through the program and I've been pretty much panic free, if still somewhat nervous, ever since!


I doubt he'd admit it, but I think I was the inspiration for him getting into this. I think he figured if he could get me through it, he could get ANYONE through it! Another secret about Howard... I've never heard anyone but his wife, son and people who don't know him call him that. Unfortunately, he won't let me say what everyone does call him. Says it doesn't sound very professional.